LET’S HAVE A SIT DOWN #3

Episode #3 of Let’s Have A Sit Down is upon us. In this scenario we have two of the big hitters of Hollywood going head-to-head – an off-kilter Tom Cruise and a menacing George Clooney. Again, using completely authentic dialogue from the characters they have played, we have the Cruiser and the Cloonmeister involved in a little unspecified criminal activity.

(Warning: if you are sensitive of ear and easily offended then don’t read on as this conversation will contain some profanities.)

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Clooney: OK, rambler… Let’s get rambling.

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Cruise: And to what do I owe this pleasure?

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Clooney: You… are just dumber than a bag of hammers.

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Cruise: I assume I need no introduction…

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Clooney: Are you… Wheezy Joe?

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Cruise: I’m… a master of the muffin…

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Clooney: Well… I’m a Dapper Dan man.

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Cruise: Fucking bullshit. I will not apologize for who I am. I will not apologize for what I need. I will not apologize for what I want.

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Clooney: I detect, like me, you’re endowed with the gift of gab.

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Cruise: A little oversimplified… But yes, something like that.

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Clooney: Plant yourself in that chair.

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Cruise: Look, fuckstick, I’m incredibly busy. So why don’t you get the hell out of here before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass…

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Clooney: I said “plant yourself.” Plants don’t talk.

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Cruise: Let me ask you something: are you out of your fucking mind?

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Clooney: I’m not gonna shoot you unless I have to. And if I have to I’ll feel really bad about it. Now sit down.

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Cruise: Are you saying my life is in danger?

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Clooney: Who the fuck do you work for, you fucker?

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Cruise: I am out here for you. You don’t know what it’s like to be ME out here for YOU. It is an up-at-dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I will never fully tell you about, ok?

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Clooney: Well, your best better get a hell of a lot fucking better, or you are gonna feel a hell of a lot fucking worse.

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Cruise: We live in a cynical world. A cynical world. And we work in a business of tough competitors…

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Clooney: There’s no play here. There’s no angle. There’s no champagne room. I’m not a miracle worker, I’m a janitor. The math on this is simple. The smaller the mess the easier it is for me to clean up.

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Cruise: Yeah… a nutless monkey could do your job.

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Clooney: Well, that is a matter of opinion and I do not give a fuck about yours.

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Cruise: In this big game that we play, life, it’s not what you hope for, it’s not what you deserve, it’s what you take.

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Clooney: You know you’re on the path to truth when you smell shit, isn’t that what they say?

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Clooney: … you’ve achieved nothing. Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33. You better get crackin’.

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Cruise: My father wrote about this in his book. Chapter 1… Page 1… Paragraph 1: What is the answer to 99 out of 100 questions?… Money.

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Clooney: Thirteen million…

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Cruise: Show me the money.

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Clooney: You’d be surprised about what you can get, if you ask for it the right way.

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Cruise: Why don’t you cut the cute act… and tell me what it is you’re looking for?

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Clooney: … your… being robbed…

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Cruise: … Oh, wait! I got a better idea. Instead of a hundred million, how about I send you a hobo’s dick cheese?

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Clooney: Do I look like I’m negotiating?

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Clooney: If you try to run, I’ve got six little friends and they can all run faster than you can.

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Cruise: I think maybe the money’s what’s throwing you off here today.

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Cruise: I’m finished, I’m fucked. Twenty-four hours ago, man, I was hot! Now… I’m a cautionary tale. You see this jacket I’m wearing, you like it? Because I don’t really need it. Because I’m cloaked in failure… I ate two slices of bad pizza, went to bed and grew a conscience.

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Clooney: Rule number one: No noise, no questions. You make a noise…
[holds up gun]
Mr. 44 makes a noise. You ask a question, Mr. 44 answers it.

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Cruise: or you can grow a conscience in the next five mintutes and see where that takes you.

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Clooney: You know anything about gunshot wounds?… Specifically, the worst thing about a gunshot wound, provided you survive the bullet, is something called sepsis… That’s right. Say a bullet tears into your gut. It creates a cavity in the dead tissue. That cavity fills up with bile, and bacteria, and you’re fucked.

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Cruise: You know, … there’s one thing I learned in all my years. Sometimes you just gotta say, “What the fuck, make your move.”

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Clooney: … what’s wrong with you? Is it me? Is this my fault? Do think that this is what I am? I am a professional fucking thief. I don’t kill people that I don’t have to… What YOU are doing – what YOU are doing – what YOU are fucking doing, is not how it’s done. Do you understand? Say “yes, … I understand.” Say “yes, … I fucking understand”

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Cruise: … from now on my fist is going to be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it’s gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring…

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Clooney: You little fuck. Do you get hit a lot?

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Cruise: Stop acting like a fucking retard.

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Cruise: … I’m more afraid of bein’ nothing than I am of being hurt.

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Clooney: I’ll tell you what I am – I’m the damn paterfamilias…

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Cruise: … spare me the psychbabble father bullshit.

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Clooney: So what are you… ? A faithless preacher? Or a mean motherfuckin’ servant of God?

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Cruise: … we gotta make the best of it. Improvise. Adapt to the environment. Darwin, shit happens. I Ching, whatever man. We gotta roll with it.

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Cruise: They’ll tell you I’m mentally unstable and violent and dangerous and it will all sound very convincing.

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Clooney: “Low profile.” Do you know what the words “low profile” mean?

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Cruise: … We’re in this together. Fates intertwined. Cosmic Coincidence.

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Clooney: You know, it’s too bad we are so much alike, otherwise we would have gotten along perfectly.

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Cruise: I’m not trying to make history here.

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Clooney: You know, you really are a negative person.

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Cruise: I will miss our conversations.

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Clooney: I know that I have put you through hell, and I know that I have been one rough pecker. But from here on out, you are… in my cool book.

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Clooney: Keep the money. You’ll need it.

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Cruise: You don’t have to. I’m through.

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Clooney: Damn! We’re in a tight spot.

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Cruise: Take comfort in knowing you never had a choice.

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Cruise: Now, I want you to take a step back… and literally fuck your own face.

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Clooney: Well, it doesn’t matter now, because you’ve got about two fucking seconds to live.

21 Responses to “LET’S HAVE A SIT DOWN #3”

  1. This is a great thing I found out about your blog. It’s great, keep doing it. This one was hilarious and well done.

    Like

    • Thanks Alec. I’m surprised that’s you just finding out. They have been quite successful so far and as long as people still enjoy them, I’ll try to do more. #1 was DeNiro & Pacino. #2 Jack Nicholson and Samuel L. Jackson and now this. I’ve had a few requests but it’s quite difficult to match them up.

      Like

  2. Damn thats a lot of effort you’ve put in here. A good read indeed!

    Like

    • Thanks man! There are another two previous to this but I think this one is the longest yet. I may shorten a bit for next time, this was quite time consuming.

      Like

  3. Another brilliant one! Thanks for putting in the effort of putting it all together, made me smile…

    Like

    • Your welcome man. Glad you enjoyed it. I thought it was fitting considering Cruise’s personal life at the moment. I’m still looking into your Stallone/Schwarzenegger suggestion.

      Like

  4. Hahaha. This one is the best yet. Love it!

    Like

    • Cheers Eric. I thought it might have went on too long but I also quite enjoyed it. I just hope that people didn’t lose interest during it. Glad you liked it man.

      Like

  5. Another nice one :)

    Like

  6. You could make this conversation into a short film! It works perfectly, plot and all!! Lol :)

    Like

  7. Interesting. I guess that would have taken a few hours to compile?

    I sort of thought from the intro on LAMB it was just from Interview with a Vampire and From Dusk till Dawn…

    Like

    • Hi there. Yeah, I can take some time to compile but I do it in dribs and drabs. There were two episodes before this and a fourth one in the works just now.

      I try to gather quotes from across as many film’s that I can. There was quite a lot of From Dusk Till Dawn here as the dialogue was great in that but I’ll use a much as possible from all sorts of characters. Thanks for stopping by.

      Like

  8. Nice job. Man, I honestly didn’t give Clooney enough credit for his dialogue. I’d definitely like to see some more of these.

    Like

    • Thanks man. Yeah, I think Clooney has had some great roles over the years. I must admit though, when I was doing the research, I didn’t realise he had so much good dialogue either.

      Like

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