LET’S HAVE A SIT DOWN #4
With the release of The Expendables 2 upon us, I thought this would be a fitting time to turn two of cinema’s biggest macho personas on their heads. In this episode, 80’s and 90’s action stars Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger work out their aggressive homoerotic tensions and engage in some rough sexual activity. This may not be the ‘sit down‘ that most would expect from these two heavyweight action stars but I couldn’t resist twisting it about a little. Although it might not look like it, I assure you, that all words are spoken by them in character. I omitted some words to give it a different context but added absolutely nothing. Be aware, there may be a risk of the iconic characters and film’s used, never looking the same way again.
(Warning: there are some profanities included and some strong suggested sexual references but if you find it crude and insulting, then the mixed up wordplay has actually worked)
Schwarzenegger: Nice night for a walk.
Stallone: Do you like having a good time?…
Schwarzenegger: … you’re making a big mistake. You got me mixed up with somebody else.
Stallone: I been comin’ here for six years, and for six years ya been stickin’ it to me…
Schwarzenegger: If you’re not ready to act, give me a break and shut up.
Schwarzenegger: Your clothes… Give them to me now.
Stallone: I think my underwear is riding into my throat.
Schwarzenegger: Why are you being so immature about all this?
Stallone: Yeah, well… 500 times a night? It stings after a while, ya know.
Schwarzenegger: I’m the party pooper.
Stallone: It’s really hard to say this. I feel like, well… I’m thinking maybe it’s time that I should, uh, step down maybe…
Schwarzenegger: Well I’m sorry to disappoint you but you’re gonna… enjoy all the glorious fruits life has got to offer – acne, shaving, premature ejaculation…
Stallone: You know what the trouble with you is? You’re too violent.
Schwarzenegger: I know now why you cry but it’s something I can never do.
Stallone: Emotions… there ought to be a law against them.
Schwarzenegger: Why am I wasting time with a dime-store putz like you when I could be doing something much more dangerous, like re-arranging my sock drawers?
Stallone: Everybody needs something. And I think what YOU need is a whole lotta ME, wrapped around you on a cold winter night.
Stallone: Why don’t you screw…
Schwarzenegger: My body. My choice.
Stallone: Your body has to be here, but your mind can be anywhere.
Schwarzenegger: Come on… just… put… in me and look me in the eye and see what’s going on in there when you turn it.
Stallone: You’re gonna regret this the rest of your life… both seconds of it.
Schwarzenegger: The… nine millimetre.
Schwarzenegger: Come on… Come on, Do it. Do it, Come on, Come on… I’m here I’m here… Come on… I’m here, Come on, Do it now…
Stallone: You’re a big man, but you’re out of shape. For me it’s a full time job.
Schwarzenegger: Who is your Daddy?…
Stallone: You’re the disease, and I’m the cure.
Schwarzenegger: My nipples are very sensitive.
Stallone: Y’know, sometimes charity really hurts.
Schwarzenegger: Cutie pie. One of us is in deep trouble.
Stallone: I’m taking care of business.
Schwarzenegger: Oh, you think you’re bad, huh? You’re a fucking choir boy compared to me. A CHOIR BOY!
Stallone: Yeah, to you it’s Thanksgiving; to me it’s Thursday.
Schwarzenegger: You Want to be a farmer? Hereβs a couple of acres
Stallone: Stop or my… will shoot.
Schwarzenegger: Come with me if you want to live.
Stallone: You ain’t so bad, you ain’t so bad, you ain’t nothin’. C’mon, champ… in the face.
Stallone: You know, you got a big mouth, you know?
Schwarzenegger: Well… I’ve got to hand it to you. It’s the best… fuck yet.
Schwarzenegger: … I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I’m going to ram it into you… and break your god-damn spine.
Schwarzenegger: Bleed, bastard.
Stallone: … somewhere between my vest and my pants.
Stallone: Don’t push it. Don’t push it… Let it go. Let it go.
Schwarzenegger: I’ll show you collateral damage.
Schwarzenegger: Now that hit the spot.
Stallone: I look at this… and I don’t like what I see.
Schwarzenegger: Consider that a divorce
Stallone: How do you think this makes me look?
Schwarzenegger: You’re one… ugly motherfucker.
Stallone: Well, we’re all a little freaky… It’s those straight ones you’ve got to worry about.
Schwarzenegger: I just had a terrible thought… what if this is a dream?
Stallone: I can’t get it out of my head. A dream of seven years. Everyday I have this. And sometimes I wake up and I don’t know where I am. I don’t talk to anybody. Sometimes a day – a week. I can’t put it out of my mind.
Schwarzenegger: If this is a dream then who the hell invited you?
Stallone: All right, just relax… You wanna talk – we’ll talk. I’m a sucker for great conversation.
Schwarzenegger: You gave me a Raw deal.
Schwarzenegger: No sequel for you.
Stallone: I feel like a Kentucky Fried idiot.
Schwarzenegger: You were never that smart.
Stallone: During this… I’ve seen a lot of changing, in the way you feel about me, and in the way I feel about you. In here, there were two guys… I guess what I’m trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change.
Schwarzenegger: No more games.
Schwarzenegger: Hasta la vista, baby
August 18, 2012 at 4:32 pm
this is nothing but PURE GREATNESS!!! Well done!!
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August 18, 2012 at 4:42 pm
Much appreciated. Glad to still entertain. π
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August 18, 2012 at 9:26 pm
Absolute hilarity well done Mr Walker.
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August 19, 2012 at 8:53 am
Cheers Debbie! Nice to see you stopping by.
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August 18, 2012 at 5:17 pm
What a twist! Totally unexpected and well done, Mark!
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August 18, 2012 at 5:23 pm
Twisted indeed Michael. Thanks π
It’s funny though, this was the hardest one to do so far. I thought Stallone and Schwarzenegger would have been fairly easy but it wasn’t. Hence why I had to twist it around to something different.
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August 18, 2012 at 9:46 pm
Seek therapy now! LOL Mucho Entertaining.
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August 19, 2012 at 8:55 am
LOL. that thought did cross my mind when putting this together. I need help man!! π Still, I’m a great believer in humour that almost anything goes.
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August 19, 2012 at 8:47 am
Excellent work as always Mark. Must take you so long to do but it’s so worth it!! Well played sir π
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August 19, 2012 at 8:56 am
Cheers Tyson. It does take a while but I’d also taken a break from doing them recently. Once the Expendables was getting released though, I thought now would be a fitting time.
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August 19, 2012 at 1:16 pm
I cant believe you put “Junior” in there. LOL (Head shake) π
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August 19, 2012 at 6:07 pm
Lol. The quotes from “Junior” are exactly the ones that swayed me on this. I had to include them and by doing so the whole format changed. Let’s face it, these guys love their bodies toooo much. I had to take the piss.
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August 20, 2012 at 11:30 am
This wasn’t the type of conversation I was expecting from these two…great work though π
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August 20, 2012 at 11:33 am
Haha. I was hoping you’d stop by Nostra. This was your suggestion after all. All be it, not in this manner π
In all honesty though, it was more difficult than I expected which lead to me having to twist it around a bit.
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August 20, 2012 at 11:39 am
With over 700 unread mails after my holiday this one stood out and was one of the first ones I read…
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August 20, 2012 at 3:11 pm
Yeah man, it can be a bit of a nightmare catching up with stuff when you’ve taken a break.
Glad to know these posts have that much of an appeal though. Cheers my friend.
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August 20, 2012 at 5:00 pm
Ahahaha, brilliant picks with these two Mark! I love that each of their sentences are short, I figure neither one is good at articulating long speeches, ahah. I love the pics that go with the conversation too, that pic of Ahnuld in drag is a hoot!!
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August 20, 2012 at 5:05 pm
Haha. Thanks Ruth, I’m glad you enjoyed it. It’s the most outrageous one yet and considering it was these two big macho men, I don’t think I could have twisted it any further than I did.
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August 20, 2012 at 11:27 pm
Haha wow, this was not the direction I expected based on these two. Very, very funny, man. You’ve got a knack for these.
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August 21, 2012 at 12:03 am
Thanks for stopping by Eric. I dont think youre alone in your surprise at this one. Lol. I held off for a while to post it in time for The Expendables release, hoping to catch a few people off guard. It seems to have worked so far. Glad you enjoyed it.
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August 21, 2012 at 2:35 am
You are a sick, sick, funny man.
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August 21, 2012 at 1:29 pm
LOL. I’ll take that as a compliment sir. Thank you. π
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August 21, 2012 at 3:06 pm
LOL!
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August 21, 2012 at 5:19 pm
π
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August 25, 2012 at 4:04 pm
It’s terrible, I was reading the whole thing in their voices. Oh man, I’m not sure I can watch Expendables 2 without laughing every time those two are on screen. Supremely amusing.
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August 25, 2012 at 4:28 pm
Lol. Thanks man. I’m glad it worked it for you. I have a few others that you can find on my page. “The Sit Down series”.
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January 22, 2015 at 12:49 pm
Haha! “Why are you being so immature about all this?” π
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January 22, 2015 at 9:45 pm
Haha! Its hard to fit some lines in but, yeah, I thought that worked okay. Thanks again, Emma! π
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January 23, 2015 at 3:25 pm
No problem, the pleasure was mine!
Yeah it all made me laugh but that line really tickled me π
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January 23, 2015 at 7:30 pm
Again, I appreciate your appreciation! Many thanks! π
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