Episode #3 of Let’s Have A Sit Down is upon us. In this scenario we have two of the big hitters of Hollywood going head-to-head – an off-kilter Tom Cruise and a menacing George Clooney. Again, using completely authentic dialogue from the characters they have played, we have the Cruiser and the Cloonmeister involved in a little unspecified criminal activity.
(Warning: if you are sensitive of ear and easily offended then don’t read on as this conversation will contain some profanities.)
Clooney: OK, rambler… Let’s get rambling.
Cruise: And to what do I owe this pleasure?
Clooney: You… are just dumber than a bag of hammers.
Cruise: I assume I need no introduction…
Clooney: Are you… Wheezy Joe?
Cruise: I’m… a master of the muffin…
Clooney: Well… I’m a Dapper Dan man.
Cruise: Fucking bullshit. I will not apologize for who I am. I will not apologize for what I need. I will not apologize for what I want.
Clooney: I detect, like me, you’re endowed with the gift of gab.
Cruise: A little oversimplified… But yes, something like that.
Clooney: Plant yourself in that chair.
Cruise: Look, fuckstick, I’m incredibly busy. So why don’t you get the hell out of here before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass…
Clooney: I said “plant yourself.” Plants don’t talk.
Cruise: Let me ask you something: are you out of your fucking mind?
Clooney: I’m not gonna shoot you unless I have to. And if I have to I’ll feel really bad about it. Now sit down.
Cruise: Are you saying my life is in danger?
Clooney: Who the fuck do you work for, you fucker?
Cruise: I am out here for you. You don’t know what it’s like to be ME out here for YOU. It is an up-at-dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I will never fully tell you about, ok?
Clooney: Well, your best better get a hell of a lot fucking better, or you are gonna feel a hell of a lot fucking worse.
Cruise: We live in a cynical world. A cynical world. And we work in a business of tough competitors…
Clooney: There’s no play here. There’s no angle. There’s no champagne room. I’m not a miracle worker, I’m a janitor. The math on this is simple. The smaller the mess the easier it is for me to clean up.
Cruise: Yeah… a nutless monkey could do your job.
Clooney: Well, that is a matter of opinion and I do not give a fuck about yours.
Cruise: In this big game that we play, life, it’s not what you hope for, it’s not what you deserve, it’s what you take.
Clooney: You know you’re on the path to truth when you smell shit, isn’t that what they say?
Clooney: … you’ve achieved nothing. Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33. You better get crackin’.
Cruise: My father wrote about this in his book. Chapter 1… Page 1… Paragraph 1: What is the answer to 99 out of 100 questions?… Money.
Clooney: Thirteen million…
Cruise: Show me the money.
Clooney: You’d be surprised about what you can get, if you ask for it the right way.
Cruise: Why don’t you cut the cute act… and tell me what it is you’re looking for?
Clooney: … your… being robbed…
Cruise: … Oh, wait! I got a better idea. Instead of a hundred million, how about I send you a hobo’s dick cheese?
Clooney: Do I look like I’m negotiating?
Clooney: If you try to run, I’ve got six little friends and they can all run faster than you can.
Cruise: I think maybe the money’s what’s throwing you off here today.
Cruise: I’m finished, I’m fucked. Twenty-four hours ago, man, I was hot! Now… I’m a cautionary tale. You see this jacket I’m wearing, you like it? Because I don’t really need it. Because I’m cloaked in failure… I ate two slices of bad pizza, went to bed and grew a conscience.
Clooney: Rule number one: No noise, no questions. You make a noise…
[holds up gun]
Mr. 44 makes a noise. You ask a question, Mr. 44 answers it.
Cruise: or you can grow a conscience in the next five mintutes and see where that takes you.
Clooney: You know anything about gunshot wounds?… Specifically, the worst thing about a gunshot wound, provided you survive the bullet, is something called sepsis… That’s right. Say a bullet tears into your gut. It creates a cavity in the dead tissue. That cavity fills up with bile, and bacteria, and you’re fucked.
Cruise: You know, … there’s one thing I learned in all my years. Sometimes you just gotta say, “What the fuck, make your move.”
Clooney: … what’s wrong with you? Is it me? Is this my fault? Do think that this is what I am? I am a professional fucking thief. I don’t kill people that I don’t have to… What YOU are doing – what YOU are doing – what YOU are fucking doing, is not how it’s done. Do you understand? Say “yes, … I understand.” Say “yes, … I fucking understand”
Cruise: … from now on my fist is going to be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it’s gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring…
Clooney: You little fuck. Do you get hit a lot?
Cruise: Stop acting like a fucking retard.
Cruise: … I’m more afraid of bein’ nothing than I am of being hurt.
Clooney: I’ll tell you what I am – I’m the damn paterfamilias…
Cruise: … spare me the psychbabble father bullshit.
Clooney: So what are you… ? A faithless preacher? Or a mean motherfuckin’ servant of God?
Cruise: … we gotta make the best of it. Improvise. Adapt to the environment. Darwin, shit happens. I Ching, whatever man. We gotta roll with it.
Cruise: They’ll tell you I’m mentally unstable and violent and dangerous and it will all sound very convincing.
Clooney: “Low profile.” Do you know what the words “low profile” mean?
Cruise: … We’re in this together. Fates intertwined. Cosmic Coincidence.
Clooney: You know, it’s too bad we are so much alike, otherwise we would have gotten along perfectly.
Cruise: I’m not trying to make history here.
Clooney: You know, you really are a negative person.
Cruise: I will miss our conversations.
Clooney: I know that I have put you through hell, and I know that I have been one rough pecker. But from here on out, you are… in my cool book.
Clooney: Keep the money. You’ll need it.
Cruise: You don’t have to. I’m through.
Clooney: Damn! We’re in a tight spot.
Cruise: Take comfort in knowing you never had a choice.
Cruise: Now, I want you to take a step back… and literally fuck your own face.
Clooney: Well, it doesn’t matter now, because you’ve got about two fucking seconds to live.