With the release of The Expendables 2 upon us, I thought this would be a fitting time to turn two of cinema’s biggest macho personas on their heads. In this episode, 80’s and 90’s action stars Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger work out their aggressive homoerotic tensions and engage in some rough sexual activity. This may not be the ‘sit down‘ that most would expect from these two heavyweight action stars but I couldn’t resist twisting it about a little. Although it might not look like it, I assure you, that all words are spoken by them in character. I omitted some words to give it a different context but added absolutely nothing. Be aware, there may be a risk of the iconic characters and film’s used, never looking the same way again.
(Warning: there are some profanities included and some strong suggested sexual references but if you find it crude and insulting, then the mixed up wordplay has actually worked)
Stallone: Hey, Yo…
Schwarzenegger: Nice night for a walk.
Stallone: Do you like having a good time?…
Schwarzenegger: … you’re making a big mistake. You got me mixed up with somebody else.
Stallone: I been comin’ here for six years, and for six years ya been stickin’ it to me…
Schwarzenegger: If you’re not ready to act, give me a break and shut up.
Schwarzenegger: Your clothes… Give them to me now.
Stallone: I think my underwear is riding into my throat.
Schwarzenegger: Why are you being so immature about all this?
Stallone: Yeah, well… 500 times a night? It stings after a while, ya know.
Schwarzenegger: I’m the party pooper.
Stallone: It’s really hard to say this. I feel like, well… I’m thinking maybe it’s time that I should, uh, step down maybe…
Schwarzenegger: Well I’m sorry to disappoint you but you’re gonna… enjoy all the glorious fruits life has got to offer – acne, shaving, premature ejaculation…
Stallone: You know what the trouble with you is? You’re too violent.
Schwarzenegger: I know now why you cry but it’s something I can never do.
Stallone: Emotions… there ought to be a law against them.
Schwarzenegger: Why am I wasting time with a dime-store putz like you when I could be doing something much more dangerous, like re-arranging my sock drawers?
Stallone: Everybody needs something. And I think what YOU need is a whole lotta ME, wrapped around you on a cold winter night.
Stallone: Why don’t you screw…
Schwarzenegger: No problemo.
Schwarzenegger: My body. My choice.
Stallone: Your body has to be here, but your mind can be anywhere.
Schwarzenegger: Enough talk.
Schwarzenegger: Come on… just… put… in me and look me in the eye and see what’s going on in there when you turn it.
Stallone: You’re gonna regret this the rest of your life… both seconds of it.
Schwarzenegger: The… nine millimetre.
Stallone: I can’t hear you…
Schwarzenegger: Come on… Come on, Do it. Do it, Come on, Come on… I’m here I’m here… Come on… I’m here, Come on, Do it now…
Stallone: You’re a big man, but you’re out of shape. For me it’s a full time job.
Schwarzenegger: Who is your Daddy?…
Stallone: You’re the disease, and I’m the cure.
Schwarzenegger: My nipples are very sensitive.
Stallone: Y’know, sometimes charity really hurts.
Schwarzenegger: Cutie pie. One of us is in deep trouble.
Stallone: I’m taking care of business.
Schwarzenegger: Oh, you think you’re bad, huh? You’re a fucking choir boy compared to me. A CHOIR BOY!
Stallone: Yeah, to you it’s Thanksgiving; to me it’s Thursday.
Schwarzenegger: You Want to be a farmer? Here’s a couple of acres
Stallone: Stop or my… will shoot.
Schwarzenegger: Come with me if you want to live.
Stallone: You ain’t so bad, you ain’t so bad, you ain’t nothin’. C’mon, champ… in the face.
Stallone: You know, you got a big mouth, you know?
Schwarzenegger: Well… I’ve got to hand it to you. It’s the best… fuck yet.
Schwarzenegger: … I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I’m going to ram it into you… and break your god-damn spine.
Stallone: You can’t break me.
Schwarzenegger: Bleed, bastard.
Stallone: … somewhere between my vest and my pants.
Stallone: Don’t push it. Don’t push it… Let it go. Let it go.
Schwarzenegger: I’ll show you collateral damage.
Schwarzenegger: Now that hit the spot.
Stallone: I look at this… and I don’t like what I see.
Schwarzenegger: Consider that a divorce
Stallone: How do you think this makes me look?
Schwarzenegger: You’re one… ugly motherfucker.
Stallone: Well, we’re all a little freaky… It’s those straight ones you’ve got to worry about.
Schwarzenegger: I just had a terrible thought… what if this is a dream?
Stallone: I can’t get it out of my head. A dream of seven years. Everyday I have this. And sometimes I wake up and I don’t know where I am. I don’t talk to anybody. Sometimes a day – a week. I can’t put it out of my mind.
Schwarzenegger: If this is a dream then who the hell invited you?
Stallone: All right, just relax… You wanna talk – we’ll talk. I’m a sucker for great conversation.
Schwarzenegger: You gave me a Raw deal.
Schwarzenegger: No sequel for you.
Stallone: I feel like a Kentucky Fried idiot.
Schwarzenegger: You were never that smart.
Stallone: During this… I’ve seen a lot of changing, in the way you feel about me, and in the way I feel about you. In here, there were two guys… I guess what I’m trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change.
Schwarzenegger: No more games.
Stallone: I’m expendable.
Schwarzenegger: Hasta la vista, baby
Stallone: You should finish what you start.
Schwarzenegger: I’ll be back.
Stallone: I’ll be the judge of that.