LET’S HAVE A SIT DOWN #4

With the release of The Expendables 2 upon us, I thought this would be a fitting time to turn two of cinema’s biggest macho personas on their heads. In this episode, 80’s and 90’s action stars Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger work out their aggressive homoerotic tensions and engage in some rough sexual activity. This may not be the ‘sit down‘ that most would expect from these two heavyweight action stars but I couldn’t resist twisting it about a little. Although it might not look like it, I assure you, that all words are spoken by them in character. I omitted some words to give it a different context but added absolutely nothing. Be aware, there may be a risk of the iconic characters and film’s used, never looking the same way again.

(Warning: there are some profanities included and some strong suggested sexual references but if you find it crude and insulting, then the mixed up wordplay has actually worked)

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Stallone: Hey, Yo…

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Schwarzenegger: Nice night for a walk.

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Stallone: Do you like having a good time?…

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Schwarzenegger: … you’re making a big mistake. You got me mixed up with somebody else.

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Stallone: I been comin’ here for six years, and for six years ya been stickin’ it to me…

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Schwarzenegger: If you’re not ready to act, give me a break and shut up.

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Schwarzenegger: Your clothes… Give them to me now.

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Stallone: I think my underwear is riding into my throat.

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Schwarzenegger: Why are you being so immature about all this?

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Stallone: Yeah, well… 500 times a night? It stings after a while, ya know.

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Schwarzenegger: I’m the party pooper.

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Stallone: It’s really hard to say this. I feel like, well… I’m thinking maybe it’s time that I should, uh, step down maybe…

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Schwarzenegger: Well I’m sorry to disappoint you but you’re gonna… enjoy all the glorious fruits life has got to offer – acne, shaving, premature ejaculation…

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Stallone: You know what the trouble with you is? You’re too violent.

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Schwarzenegger: I know now why you cry but it’s something I can never do.

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Stallone: Emotions… there ought to be a law against them.

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Schwarzenegger: Why am I wasting time with a dime-store putz like you when I could be doing something much more dangerous, like re-arranging my sock drawers?

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Stallone: Everybody needs something. And I think what YOU need is a whole lotta ME, wrapped around you on a cold winter night.

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Stallone: Why don’t you screw…

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Schwarzenegger: No problemo.

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Schwarzenegger: My body. My choice.

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Stallone: Your body has to be here, but your mind can be anywhere.

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Schwarzenegger: Enough talk.

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Schwarzenegger: Come on… just… put… in me and look me in the eye and see what’s going on in there when you turn it.

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Stallone: You’re gonna regret this the rest of your life… both seconds of it.

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Schwarzenegger: The… nine millimetre.

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Stallone: I can’t hear you…

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Schwarzenegger: Come on… Come on, Do it. Do it, Come on, Come on… I’m here I’m here… Come on… I’m here, Come on, Do it now…

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Stallone: You’re a big man, but you’re out of shape. For me it’s a full time job.

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Schwarzenegger: Who is your Daddy?…

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Stallone: You’re the disease, and I’m the cure.

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Schwarzenegger: My nipples are very sensitive.

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Stallone: Y’know, sometimes charity really hurts.

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Schwarzenegger: Cutie pie. One of us is in deep trouble.

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Stallone: I’m taking care of business.

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Schwarzenegger: Oh, you think you’re bad, huh? You’re a fucking choir boy compared to me. A CHOIR BOY!

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Stallone: Yeah, to you it’s Thanksgiving; to me it’s Thursday.

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Schwarzenegger: You Want to be a farmer? Here’s a couple of acres

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Stallone: Stop or my… will shoot.

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Schwarzenegger: Come with me if you want to live.

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Stallone: You ain’t so bad, you ain’t so bad, you ain’t nothin’. C’mon, champ… in the face.

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Stallone: You know, you got a big mouth, you know?

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Schwarzenegger: Well… I’ve got to hand it to you. It’s the best… fuck yet.

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Schwarzenegger: … I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I’m going to ram it into you… and break your god-damn spine.

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Stallone: You can’t break me.

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Schwarzenegger: Bleed, bastard.

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Stallone: … somewhere between my vest and my pants.

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Stallone: Don’t push it. Don’t push it… Let it go. Let it go.

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Schwarzenegger: I’ll show you collateral damage.

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Schwarzenegger: Now that hit the spot.

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Stallone: I look at this… and I don’t like what I see.

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Schwarzenegger: Consider that a divorce

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Stallone: How do you think this makes me look?

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Schwarzenegger: You’re one… ugly motherfucker.

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Stallone: Well, we’re all a little freaky… It’s those straight ones you’ve got to worry about.

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Schwarzenegger: I just had a terrible thought… what if this is a dream?

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Stallone: I can’t get it out of my head. A dream of seven years. Everyday I have this. And sometimes I wake up and I don’t know where I am. I don’t talk to anybody. Sometimes a day – a week. I can’t put it out of my mind.

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Schwarzenegger: If this is a dream then who the hell invited you?

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Stallone: All right, just relax… You wanna talk – we’ll talk. I’m a sucker for great conversation.

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Schwarzenegger: You gave me a Raw deal.

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Schwarzenegger: No sequel for you.

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Stallone: I feel like a Kentucky Fried idiot.

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Schwarzenegger: You were never that smart.

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Stallone: During this… I’ve seen a lot of changing, in the way you feel about me, and in the way I feel about you. In here, there were two guys… I guess what I’m trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change.

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Schwarzenegger: No more games.

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Stallone: I’m expendable.

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Schwarzenegger: Hasta la vista, baby

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Stallone: You should finish what you start.

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Schwarzenegger: I’ll be back.

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Stallone: I’ll be the judge of that.

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30 Responses to “LET’S HAVE A SIT DOWN #4”

  1. this is nothing but PURE GREATNESS!!! Well done!!

    Like

  2. What a twist! Totally unexpected and well done, Mark!

    Like

    • Twisted indeed Michael. Thanks πŸ˜‰
      It’s funny though, this was the hardest one to do so far. I thought Stallone and Schwarzenegger would have been fairly easy but it wasn’t. Hence why I had to twist it around to something different.

      Like

  3. ray brayne Says:

    Seek therapy now! LOL Mucho Entertaining.

    Like

  4. Excellent work as always Mark. Must take you so long to do but it’s so worth it!! Well played sir πŸ™‚

    Like

    • Cheers Tyson. It does take a while but I’d also taken a break from doing them recently. Once the Expendables was getting released though, I thought now would be a fitting time.

      Like

  5. I cant believe you put “Junior” in there. LOL (Head shake) πŸ˜€

    Like

    • Lol. The quotes from “Junior” are exactly the ones that swayed me on this. I had to include them and by doing so the whole format changed. Let’s face it, these guys love their bodies toooo much. I had to take the piss.

      Like

  6. This wasn’t the type of conversation I was expecting from these two…great work though πŸ™‚

    Like

    • Haha. I was hoping you’d stop by Nostra. This was your suggestion after all. All be it, not in this manner πŸ˜‰
      In all honesty though, it was more difficult than I expected which lead to me having to twist it around a bit.

      Like

  7. Ahahaha, brilliant picks with these two Mark! I love that each of their sentences are short, I figure neither one is good at articulating long speeches, ahah. I love the pics that go with the conversation too, that pic of Ahnuld in drag is a hoot!!

    Like

    • Haha. Thanks Ruth, I’m glad you enjoyed it. It’s the most outrageous one yet and considering it was these two big macho men, I don’t think I could have twisted it any further than I did.

      Like

  8. Haha wow, this was not the direction I expected based on these two. Very, very funny, man. You’ve got a knack for these.

    Like

    • Thanks for stopping by Eric. I dont think youre alone in your surprise at this one. Lol. I held off for a while to post it in time for The Expendables release, hoping to catch a few people off guard. It seems to have worked so far. Glad you enjoyed it.

      Like

  9. You are a sick, sick, funny man.

    Like

  10. It’s terrible, I was reading the whole thing in their voices. Oh man, I’m not sure I can watch Expendables 2 without laughing every time those two are on screen. Supremely amusing.

    Like

  11. Haha! “Why are you being so immature about all this?” πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

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