CLASSIC SCENE: “Nobody fucks with the Jesus!”

Film: THE BIG LEBOWSKI
Directors: Joel & Ethan Coen.
Screenplay: Ethan & Joel Coen.

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Setting the scene:
Practicing for their next bowling tournament, THE DUDE (Jeff Bridges), WALTER (John Goodman) and DONNY (Steve Buscemi) watch in admiration at the flamboyant bowling skills of JESUS QUINTANA (John Turturro) – a possible future opponent. As they discuss Quintana, they also discuss The Dude’s recent case of mistaken identity where his household rug was urinated on and the job that he’s been employed to do.

[The Gypsy Kings play Hotel California as we witness a manicured man’s hand pulling up his long purple socks before reaching for a bowling ball. He takes his time setting up the shot – even suggestively licking the ball. Before taking his shot we see stitched above the breast pocket of his all-in-one suit, his first name, “Jesus”. We then follow his shot down the bowling lane to the pins scattered by a strike.

In slow motion, he dances before looking across at The Dude, Donny and Walter who are observing his skills. He then thrusts a black gloved finger into the air before we fast track in on the three…]

DUDE
Fucking Quintana! That creep can
roll, man.

WALTER
Yeah, but he’s a pervert,
Dude.

DUDE
Yeah…

WALTER
No! He’s a sex offender. With a
record. He did six months in Chino
for exposing himself to an eight-
year-old.

DUDE
Huh?!

[In a flashback scene, we see Quintana, in pressed jeans and a stretchy sweater,
walking up a stoop in a residential neighborhood and ringing
the bell
]

WALTER
When he moved to Hollywood he had
to go door-to-door to tell everyone
he’s a pederast.

[The door swings open and a bearded, overweight, beer-swilling man
looks dully out at Quintana, who looks hesitantly up
]

DONNY
What’s a pederast, Walter?

WALTER
Shut the fuck up, Donny.

[Back to Walter and The Dude]

WALTER
So? How much they give you?

DUDE
Twenty grand, man. And of course I still get to keep the rug.

WALTER
Just for making the hand-off?

DUDE
Yeah.

[He slips a little black box out of his pocket to show Walter]

DUDE
And, uh, they gave Dude a beeper, so
whenever these guys call…

WALTER
What if it’s during a game?

DUDE
Oh, I told him if it was during league
play…

DONNY
What’s during league play?

WALTER
Life does not stop and start at your
convenience, you miserable piece of SHIT.

DUDE
I Figure, uh…

DONNY
What’s wrong with Walter, Dude?

DUDE
I figure it’s easy money, you know? It’s all pretty harmless. She probably kidnapped herself.

WALTER
Huh?

DONNY
What do you mean, Dude?

DUDE
Rug-peers did not do this. Look at it… young trophy wife… marries this guy for his money but figures he isn’t giving her enough, you know… She owes money all over town…

WALTER
That… fucking… bitch!

DUDE
It’s all a goddamn fake, man. It’s like Lenin said, you look for the person who will benefit and, uh, uh, you know, uh, you know, you’ll, uh, you know what I’m trying to say…

DONNY
(interrupting)
I am the Walrus.

WALTER
That fucking bitch!

DUDE
Yeah.

DONNY
(interrupting again)
I am the Walrus.

WALTER
Shut the fuck up, Donny!
V.I. Lenin! – Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!

DONNY
(to The Dude)
What the fuck is he talking about?

WALTER
That’s fucking exactly what happened,
Dude! That makes me fucking SICK!

[Meanwhile, we witness Quintana and his partner Liam polishing their bowling balls]

DUDE
Well, what do you care Walter?

WALTER
Those rich fucks! This whole fucking
thing… I did not watch my buddies
die face down in the muck so that
this fucking strumpet, this fucking whore could waltz around town…

DUDE
Walter, I don’t see any connection to Vietnam, man.

WALTER
Well, there isn’t a literal connection, Dude.

DUDE
Walter, face it, there isn’t any
connection. Your roll.

WALTER
Have it your way. But my point is…

DUDE
Your roll

WALTER
My point is…

DUDE
Your roll.

[Quintana approaches and interrupts their conversation]

QUINTANA
Are you ready to be fucked, man?

[They both look up]

QUINTANA
I see you rolled your way into the
semis. Deos mio, man. Liam and
me, we’re gonna fuck you up.

DUDE
Yeah? Well… you know, that’s just like, uh, your opinion, man.

[Quintana walks by, pointing at Walter]

QUINTANA
(to Walter)
Let me tell you something, bendeco.
You pull any your crazy shit with
us, you flash a piece out on the
lanes, I’ll take it away from you
and stick it up your ass and pull
the fucking trigger till it goes
“click”.

DUDE
Jesus…

QUINTANA
(to The Dude)
You said it, man. Nobody fucks with
the Jesus.

[Quintana walks away. Walter not reacting and observing him sadly]

WALTER
Eight-year-olds, Dude.

(To view or read my other Classic Scenes just click here)

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51 Responses to “CLASSIC SCENE: “Nobody fucks with the Jesus!””

  1. Probably my favourite moment in the movie

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m happy to see the return of classic scenes Mark.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. xD Absolutely awesome choice Mark!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Nice post, dude! I should like this movie a bit more….. I guess it’s better than Raging Bull. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Amazing scene. This and the scene with scattering the ashes absolutely do me in.

    Liked by 1 person

    • So many great scenes, man. Overall, the film is a work of genius. I never tire of it. That said, as much as I love the ashes scene, I actually seen a similar sketch in, believe it or not, The Last of the Summer Wine which tarnished that for me somewhat. I hate to say it, but I seen it there first 😦

      Like

  6. Mark, nice. One of many super scenes. Too funny. I’m glad you reminded me — I should do a rewatch. I haven’t seen it in awhile.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think it’s hilarious, Cindy. The dialogue and the interplay between the characters is just perfect.
      It’s always due a revisit. There’s never been a time when I’ve rewatched it that the film hasn’t improved. It just gets better and better.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. LOVE THE MOVIE and that scene is just iconic. Goodman delivery kills me every time here

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This could be my favourite scene of the entire film. I dunno, I’d have to watch it again before deciding! The line “That creep can
    roll, man” is classic Dude, but the ’til it goes click’ line always makes me crease up. Turturro’s delivery is top draw. I think the beauty here is he’s only in the film for about a minute or two minutes tops…just completely pointless but brilliant nonetheless.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s a film where it’s hard to pick a favourite scene, as there’s so many to choose from. I’m a big fan of Ben Gazzara’s Jackie Treehorn as well and Jon Polito’s “brother Shamus” . Even the opening scene with him getting his head thrust down the toilet and Sam Elliot’s wonderful voiceover is stuff of comedy gold.

      You’re right, though. Turturro appears very briefly yet makes such an impact that you could be forgiven for thinking that he’s in the film much more than he actually is.

      It’s just a class act all round!

      Like

  9. Classic indeed! Classic scene from an ever more classic film. That script is awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The script is really something special. I’ve read it a few times and it’s quite astonishing how much of it as actually verbatim. All the smaller details like the The Dude’s “uh’s” and “aah’s” were actually written in. The attention to detail is something else.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. The Big Lebowski is chock-full of great scenes like this! Love it!

    Liked by 1 person

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