Director: Seth MacFarlane.
Screenplay: Seth MacFarlane, Wellesley Wild, Alec Sulkin.
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Seth MacFarlane, Amanda Seyfried, Giovanni Ribisi, Morgan Freeman, Jessica Barth, Sam J. Jones, Patrick Warburton, Michael Dorn, Bill Smitrovich, John Slattery, Cocoa Brown, John Carroll Lynch, Ron Canada, Tom Brady, Jay Leno, Jimmy Kimmel, Dennis Haysbert, Liam Neeson.
Narrator: Patrick Stewart.
“There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny, only guys with tits”
Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane always struck me as the type of humorist that had a seemingly endless amount of jokes. His animated show has been hugely successful for years and seems to have the ability that The Simpsons has in terms of staying power and maintaining a high standard of entertainment. However, that ability to provide the goods is severely lacking from this second attempt at a winning formula.
In order to make his marriage work, Ted (Seth MacFarlane) and his new wife Lynn (Jessica Bartha) decide to have a baby and go looking for a suitable sperm donor. However, in the eyes of the law, Ted is not a human and therefore unable to adopt or even for his marriage to remain legal, setting forth a struggle for him to prove his place in society.When he delivered Ted in 2012, fans of MacFarlane’s humour were happy with his transition into feature films and with a profane and anthropomorphised new character in tow, he was on to a winner. Ted was a comedy gimmick that worked and I was happy to see more when this sequel was announced. That said, this doesn’t bring anything new to the table and is so boring you’re likely to fall asleep halfway through our cuddly friend’s one syllable name.The jokes (if you can even call them that) are regurgitated but this time they really don’t stick. It’s hard to imagine that the creator of Family Guy actually had anything to do with this. I’m not one who’s easily offended, in fact, I actually welcome risqué jokes but a film that has nothing more to offer other than how many black cocks appear on the internet every time you use a search engine frankly verges on racism and isn’t even a funny gag the first time, never mind the third or fourth attempt.It’s never a good sign when you feel the need to force out a few disingenuous laughs but I found myself doing that here. I was almost trying to convince myself that there was something I was missing but I should’ve known from the start; the song-and-dance sequence alone is overlong and, ultimately, pointless and from the outset you get the feeling that MacFarlane started padding before the opening credits had even finished.Call me old fashioned but I was always under the impression that a comedy should actually consist of, erm… comedy. This whole, misjudged, cock-centric affair is absolutely bereft of humour and considering it’s so overly concerned with the male genitalia it’s actually quite limp and fails to perform when it matters. It only succeeds in being turgid, tedious and a hugely disappointing and desperate attempt to rekindle it’s predecessor’s wonder and magic.This is a one trick teddy, overstuffed with a (fully justified) inferiority complex. Ted’s inability to procreate echoed that of my feelings towards the film. To paraphrase wiser fellas than myself… it’s a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.Mark Walker
Trivia: Morgan Freeman’s character Patrick Meighan is named after Family Guy writer Patrick Meighan.